Untitled Harry Potter Related Weirdness
by Xander
Summary: Sequel to The Secret Sushi Bar lingered in the distance. A little raunchier, a little nuttier, a little funnier, and a little edgier. Co-Written by Miss Egypt.


Untitled Harry Potter Related Weirdness  
By Xander, and his far more demented Cousin   
  
  
  
Ron Weasley opened up the top of his trunk that sat in front of his bed and began to pull out various items, including some spare robes, some extra feather pens, some old dirty undies, the living room lamp, a frilly pink tutu, an old toothbrush, Scabbers, and most importantly, his new potions kit which oddly enough had found itself at the bottom of the trunk, even though it had just arrived via Owl a few days ago.  
  
Inside one of the pairs of dirty underwear he found a large bag of cheese curds. He discreetly put them in his pants and went down into the common room, where HarryPotter and Hermione Granger were playing ping-pong.  
  
Ron sat down in the nearest armchair, which happened to be pink and fluffy. He sat watching Harry and Hermione play, with a wide grin on his face.  
  
Finally, Hermione, who was getting disturbed, asked him what his problem was.  
  
"I have cheese curds in my pants," Ron replied, the grin becoming wider.  
  
"Ron, did you practice transport spells and end up in Wisconsin again?" asked a suspicious   
Harry.  
  
"Nah…I think these are leftover from the last time," replied Ron.  
  
"You know that Cheese Curds have a shelf life, right?" asked a worried Hermione.  
  
"They do?" exclaimed Ron. Ron pulled out the bag of curds. Harry and Hermione saw the design on the bag. Hermione instantly knew what they were.  
  
"Oh no!" exclaimed Hermione.  
  
"What?" Ron looked up from the bag. His nose had gotten black and more rounded.  
  
"Those are Bertie Botts practical joke Cheese Curds! Whoever eats them turns into a mouse!"  
  
"Ack!" was all Ron could get out before he completely turned into a mouse.   
  
"Ron!" exclaimed Harry, looking down at the pile of robes where Ron once stood.  
  
"Yeah?" asked a voice from the pile of robes.  
  
"You can still talk?" asked Hermione.  
  
"Obviously," replied Ron.  
  
"I wonder what must be done to reverse this?" said Harry.  
  
"I don't know, but I think maybe my eyes might explode," said Ron worriedly.  
  
"Ooh, delicious!" said Hermione.  
  
"Don't be absurd!" replied Harry. Harry bent down and picked up Ron. Harry looked Ron in the eyes. "His eyes aren't going to explode!"  
  
Harry carefully placed Ron in his pocket and went for the door out of the common room, followed by Hermione.   
  
"Where are we going?" asked Hermione.  
  
"The library. We gotta find out how to reverse this!" replied Harry.  
  
"My eyes are seriously swelling," said Ron, genuinely nervous now.  
  
"Too bad," said Hermione.   
  
As they raced down the hallways, they happened to run into Professor Snape, who was wearing nothing but a loincloth. He seemed giddy, and was foaming at the mouth.  
  
"Oh is that Scabbers?" he asked ignorantly.  
  
"Uh no….. Listen, do you know how to reverse Prank Wisconsin Cheese Curds?"  
asked Harry tentatively.  
  
"Yeah!" said Snape, nodding so vigorously that foam flew from his mouth and hit  
Draco Malfoy, who was passing by. "You just wait it out. If all else fails, I will be happy to dance for you in pink spandex!!!"  
  
"How will that help?" asked Harry.  
  
"Oops. I've said too much." Snape continued down the hall, singing "Losing My Religion" by R.E.M.  
  
"So I get to be a mouse for a couple of hours. It's not all bad," muttered Ron, kinda solemnly.  
  
But then he grew worried again. "As for those optical thingies on my face, what will I do?"  
  
"You mean, your eyes?" asked Hermione. "Quit worrying. They're fine."  
  
"Okay."   
  
  
Harry and Hermione walked down the hallway behind a scurrying Ron.  
  
"So what do you want to do after school?" asked Hermione.  
  
"I dunno," replied Harry, shrugging his shoulders.  
  
"Wizarding college?" offered Hermione.  
  
"Yeah…but to do what?" replied Harry.  
  
"What do you think Ron is going to be?" asked Hermione.  
  
"A fry cook on Venus," replied Harry.   
  
Hours later, Ron was returned to his normal state, and Harry and Hermione sat playing air hockey in the common room.  
  
After a few minutes Ron said, "I thought we didn't have an air hockey table in here."  
  
As soon as the words left his mouth, the air hockey table evaporated, revealing a large rectangular hole in the floor, with spikes protruding below.  
  
Harry, Ron, and Hermione, who had all been leaning on the air hockey table, tumbled forward, screaming with surprise and amusement.  
  
"What the…?" asked the dynamic trio in amazement.   
  
Draco stood in the Slytherin common room, giggling. " I got their air hockey table and they'll never know it was me. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!"   
  
  
The dynamic trio looked at each other with disgust.   
  
"Malfoy!" they exclaimed in unison.  
  
"Perhaps Snape's drool poisoned him," suggested Hermione.  
  
"Use your head, he was always that way," said Harry.  
  
As Harry was speaking, he didn't realize that he was leaning in to the hole. When he noticed, his attempt to recover his balance was in vain. He fell sideways into the spike pit.  
  
"NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" screamed Hermione.  
  
"YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" shouted Harry from below.  
  
"Are you okay?" said Ron timidly.  
  
"Yeah! My left arm is hemorrhaging pretty badly, but otherwise I assume I'm healthy," came Harry's reply.  
  
"Yeah, hemorrhoids can happen," replied Hermione.  
  
"No…Hemorrhaging! Not Hemorrhoids," muttered Harry.  
  
"Whatever…" replied Hermione.  
  
"Wait!" shouted Harry, noticing something on the ground by the spike by which he stood. "It's a Canopic Jar with a note taped to it! The note says…. 'You have become the youngest contestant ever to be on Survivor.' I wish I knew what this means!!!"  
  
"Isn't that the T.V show with Anne Robinson?" asked Hermione.  
  
"Who?" asked Ron and Harry.  
  
"Never mind…" replied Hermione. "Lets go get our air hockey table back!   
  
Various thoughts raced through Harry's mind. Why would Draco take our Air Hockey table? Where did he take it? How did he take it? Who invented liquid soap and why?  
  
"WHO INVENTED MY EYES?????" screamed Ron.  
  
Hermione stared. "I invented them," said Harry quietly.   
  
"Just how should we go about getting our air hockey table back?" said Hermione, trying very   
hard to ignore the previous conversation.  
  
"I think the only way is into the spike pit!" shouted Harry.  
  
Hermione and Ron jumped. "I'm fine! I made it!" shouted Hermione.  
  
"I'm blee-ing and my ongue is aying on the ground!" said Ron in dismay.  
  
"Pick it up and fuse it back on, then…. Oh look, another Canopic Jar!" Hermione reached down, picked it up, and read her note that was taped onto the jar aloud. " 'You have just won a brand new 1,000 pound goldfish.' Oh well, I guess that isn't so bad."  
  
Ron, who had just fused his tongue back to his mouth, found a third Canopic Jar with a third note taped to it. " 'Voldemort loves you!' What kind of a fortune is that!!??"  
  
Harry reached out and pulled Hermione aside before the 1,000 pound goldfish, which just fell out of the sky, crushed her.   
  
"Thanks," said a shaken Hermione.  
  
"No problem," replied Harry.   
  
"If that fortune came true, then…." Ron stared down at the paper he'd taken off of the Canopic Jar and began to cry.  
  
"Oh no!" screamed Harry. Suddenly the ground began to shake and the clouds parted.  
  
"I have come for my new girlfriend!" exclaimed a loud booming voice.  
  
"But I'm a guy!" yelled Ron back.  
  
"Figures," replied the Loud Booming Voice. The clouds parted back together and the ground stopped shaking.  
  
"Weird," muttered Harry before collapsing due to extreme dizziness.  
  
"Well……" said Hermione. She opened the Canopic Jar that she had received and poured the contents on Harry's head to wake him up.  
  
Now, all educated psychos that like Egypt know that a Canopic Jar is where one's innards are placed after death. In Harry's case, Hermione dumped brains and a stomach on him.  
  
"I'm awake! I'm awake! And I smell like a 5,000 year old stomach!" Harry took off his robe and threw it on the ground. "And that was my favorite robe too!"  
  
Harry suddenly hatched a devious plan. "Here Hermione, have a cheese curd."  
  
"Why thanks Harry, how thoughtful," replied Hermione, taking a cheese curd. Then it hit her.   
  
"Nice try Potter!"  
  
Hermione threw the cheese curd at Harry. It bounced off his neck and landed on the ground. A passing owl picked it up, ate it and promptly turned into a mouse.   
  
A guy and a girl, distant in age walked up to the dynamic duo. They were Kris and Katie. Kris was the older one. Katie was younger and blonder. They introduced themselves to Harry, Hermione and Ron.  
  
"Have a cheese curd," was Harry's immediate reaction.  
  
"Why must you stand there in your underpants?" said the blonder suspiciously.  
  
Harry blushed and ran from the room.  
  
The blonde girl took the cheese curd anyway, unaware of the harm it would cause. She turned into a mouse and bolted. Kris, who resembled a disgruntled secret service agent, ran after her, wondering how he got there in the first place.  
  
The loud, high-pitched voice sounded again, scaring them all to death. "Are you sure that no one down there can be my new girlfriend?"  
  
Hermione looked mildly surprised, and thoroughly entertained by the possibility of being the girlfriend of a loud booming voice, but ultimately declined because they had too little in common.   
  
Just then, two suited individuals walked up to the dynamic trio.   
  
"And who might these be?" asked Ron.  
  
"I'm Special Agent Fox Mulder and this is Agent Scully. We're with the FBI," said the taller, cuter guy.  
  
"We here investigating reports of a strange game where kids fly on brooms and chase balls. Can you help us at all?" asked the shorter Red haired Agent Scully.   
  
"Ha! David Duchovny left the show, therefore there is no more Mulder!" exclaimed Hermione.  
  
"Oh rats," muttered the taller, cuter guy as he disappeared.  
  
"And Scully has a new partner named Doggett and a new baby! Where's your baby, Scully? How did you ever find a babysitter?" asked Hermione.  
  
"The baby ate the babysitter, so I left it alone to watch Days of Our Lives," replied Scully.   
  
"And your new partner?" asked Hermione.  
  
"It turned out he was a robot, so I drowned him in acid," replied Scully.  
  
"Well, I'd like to believe you, but your whole story is based on Internet rumors and this author's girlfriends suspicions and therefore invalid. C-ya."   
  
"Drat" said the shorter red head as she disappeared.  
  
Once again the ominous, chilling voice filled the room. "I'm not leaving until I get a girlfriend."  
  
Harry, who reappeared fully dressed again and had missed the strange paragraphs relating to X-Files, raised his eyebrows at Hermione and said, "You do know who this guy is, right?"  
  
"I've never met him before." Hermione was blushing and giggling.  
  
"No. And you wouldn't want to….. He's somewhat….mean," said Harry.  
  
"Hey, you're the Potter kid," said the ominous voice.  
  
"Yup."  
  
"Why haven't I killed you yet?"  
  
"I dunno."  
  
Just when the tension was at it's highest peak, Snape burst into the room in a bathrobe, which he threw off to reveal a pink spandex cat suit.  
  
Hermione, ever ready with a Polaroid camera, whipped it out and began snapping photos, while Snape commenced to dance revoltingly on the common room table.  
  
"I think I'm going to be sick," exclaimed Harry, looking away.  
  
"Oh come on Harry. It's a beautiful cat suit. Tight, shimmering, revealing…" said Hermione.  
  
"…revolting" finished Ron and Harry in unison. Hermione continued to snap Polaroids of the dynamic trio's Potions teacher.  
  
"Have you losers just left me out of the conversation or what?" said the voice.  
  
"Yeah that sounds about right," said Harry.  
  
Snape finally screamed, "Mr. Whipple! Good night!" and ran from the room.  
  
"Alrighty then," said the voice.   
  
"Mr. Whipple? The toilet paper guy?" asked Ron.  
  
"Heck if I know…"muttered the voice. "Now, do I have a girlfriend or not?"  
  
"Well, if the rumors are true, and the writing on the Little Wizards room wall, Malfoy swings that way," said Harry, with a big grin on his face.   
  
"Okay…" replied the voice.  
  
"And a favor in return?" asked Ron.  
  
"Anything," replied the voice.  
  
"Could you bring back our Air Hockey table?" asked Ron.  
  
"Certainly," replied the Voice.   
  
Outside, you could hear Draco Malfoy screaming as the voice scooped him out of the Slytherin Commons.  
  
Next to Ron, Harry and Hermione, the Air Hockey Table magically re-appeared.  
  
Everyone was able to hear Draco Malfoy screaming hallways away. "Yes, Mr. Whipple is the toilet paper man! Really! I know him personally."  
  
"Another favor," shouted Ron.  
  
"Anything," replied the voice.  
  
"Could you tell us who you are?"  
  
"Um…. I have a reputation to protect."  
  
"Please?!!!" pleaded Ron.  
  
"Okay. I am the one who is known as…" said the voice.  
  
"As…" added Ron.   
  
"As…the Olsen twins," said the voice.  
  
"I knew it! I knew they were the unholy spawn of the under lord of hell!" exclaimed Ron.   
  
"Wow! My lips are expanding at an alarming rate!" shouted Harry. "And I thought you were Voldemort!"   
  
"I lied," replied the voice. "A guy will do almost anything to get a girlfriend."  
  
"Oh that's so sweet, except for the part where you claimed to be the dark lord of the magic world," replied Hermione.   
  
"Oh yeah," replied Harry as he did an anti-allergy spell of his humongous lips.  
  
"Harry, you're lips look as though they got caught in a pool drain."  
  
"Crap."  
  
"If you're not the Olsen Twins or the dark lord of the magic world, then who are you?" asked Hermione.  
  
"I'm bald."  
  
"Try Hair Club for men," replied Harry. "C'mon guys, maybe if we ignore him, he'll go play with Malfoy."  
  
"Good point," replied Ron. They all turned back to the Air Hockey table and continued their game.   
  
"No really. I'm bald. And skinless too."   
  



End file.
